Tools and Their "Real" Uses

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Not all of these definitions pertain to welding but I thought you guys might get a kick out of em...I can sure relate to some them...enjoy...DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou    ...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling a string of obscenities at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Reply:That's funny stuff, especially the pliers and vice grips.
Reply:I'll add mine (based on true stories): WOODCARVING CHISEL:  paint can opener for one's spouseWOODTURNING CHISEL:  shed door opener for burglarHOLLOW CHISEL MORTISER:  used to speed up the fire starting process of rubbing two sticks togetherWOODWORKING LATHE:  used to break nearly finished bowls into smaller kindlingMETALWORKING LATHE:  used to bend cheap carbide tipped metal turning bits into decorative curved piecesPRITCHEL CHISEL:  drift, punch, prybar110V MIG:  circuit breaker test devicePAINT PEN:  good for making melted plastic marks on hot metalRIGHT ANGLE MAGNETS:  perfect catch all for metal filings
Reply:Can't forget this one.NAIL GUN:  Device for firing nails at high speed, commonly used at jobsites for target practice.  See beer can.BEER CAN:  Target for shooting nails at once you consume the contents of the can.  Consuming too many cans may give you false sense of aim with nailgun and may cause injury to boss or co-workers.
Reply:ALL CRAFTSMAN TOOLS: Prybars, hammers and/or chisels, sometimes all three at once.  Lifetime guarantees rock.PatrickLincoln 175HD
Reply:Welding Helmet - Generally used for welding, but with the same aerodynamic qualities as a football, they're perfect for punting.
Reply:Originally Posted by PatrickJALL CRAFTSMAN TOOLS: Prybars, hammers and/or chisels, sometimes all three at once.  Lifetime guarantees rock.
Reply:Originally Posted by WelderBoyMore like:ALL CRAFTSMAN TOOLS:  LIFETIME WARRANTY DOWN THE DRAIN BECAUSE SEARS IS JEWISH!!!Their lifetime warranty is bull**** now.
Reply:Originally Posted by WelderBoyMore like:ALL CRAFTSMAN TOOLS:  LIFETIME WARRANTY DOWN THE DRAIN BECAUSE SEARS IS JEWISH!!!Their lifetime warranty is bull**** now.
Reply:Originally Posted by olddadSHEEZ...you've got a lot of prejudices don't you !! While I'm not Jewish I still don't need to read that crap !!
Reply:Originally Posted by JamesBrauer66RIGHT ANGLE MAGNETS:  perfect catch all for metal filings
Reply:my oldest son gets great joy out of telling anyone who will listen that he always thought a screwdriver was called a f%$k you from when he was young and I was working on the car he even told the story on the wireless on morning and won a price for it
Reply:Originally Posted by WelderBoyDon't read it.  My wife's a quarter jew, so **** off.
Reply:Originally Posted by PookieSo you already know how copper wire was invented
Reply:Originally Posted by PookieSo you already know how copper wire was invented
Reply:Originally Posted by WelderBoyI don't cry over crap like that, apparently some do...
Reply:Originally Posted by olddadListen punk... a professional welding site is no place for racist crap. Why am I not surprised you've been kicked off every message board you've been on except this one (your words, not mine). It would be a pleasure to meet you on a jobsite sometime !!
Reply:Originally Posted by olddadWhy am I not surprised you've been kicked off every message board you've been on except this one (your words, not mine).
Reply:Sex sells...racism kills...what's to compareMen like looking at scantilly clad women...doesn't your LWS have any such product ads on their walls ??Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT
Reply:I've had more jobs than I care to think about in the last 10 years,...6 jobs... 1 of them closed and went across the big pond, 1 went to Mexico and 1 of them just closed it's doors. The last place I was layed-off from is expected to close it's doors by end of the year.How many have you had since you left High School (5 years ago ?)Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT
Reply:Originally Posted by olddadHow many have you had since you left High School (5 years ago ?)
Reply:Wouldn't be any reason for anyone to go anywhere if we all acted like the adults we're supposed to be.I told Bob to pull the plug on me last night...I knew what would happen if there continued to be a lack of common ethics.Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT
Reply:Originally Posted by olddadWouldn't be any reason for anyone to go anywhere if we all acted like the adults we're supposed to be.I told Bob to pull the plug on me last night...I knew what would happen if there continued to be a lack of common ethics.
Reply:Originally Posted by Pookie...  This seems to be pretty light-hearted humor.  From here, it appears that unless you are the ethnicity/disabled/disadvantaged that he is speaking of, you don't have a dog in the fight.  Folks not minding their own business is the root of most of societal problems we experience today...
Reply:Gentlemen, I'm truly disheartened to see that my thread, which was meant to provide a little tool humor, has caused such animosity.  I'm a 42yr old Production Manager with a degree in Business Management......(so what)....My point is that I am simply a weekend weldor (use to weld for a living 20yrs ago).  I see the work of guys like Zap, Microzone, Hammock, (and many, many more of you) and I envy their (your) talent and knowledge.  Therefore, I rely heavily on this site for project ideas, instruction and advice.  Further, it's a great place to talk with others that share my interest (my wife just doesn't view steel as a conversation piece).  So please, let's keep this as a welding forum.  I truly apologize if my thread was the instigator of any bitterness.  Best Regards, JeffDon't worry Jeff..We won't hold any of this against you.. Its true at times things get "outtahand"..Don't matter where you are or what your doing..I've been in the middle of some posts that some don't agree with..Some have gotten so far outtahand that the Bosses here put the kabosh on them..Never have I brought in "racisim" nor will I ever..Sometimes it's the "late nite beers" that bring this stuff out..I dunno..So don't be worried that your post started a slight "bench clearing altercation"..The Ref's will be around soon..And the penalties will be dished out..Keep welding.....zap!I am not completely insane..Some parts are missing Professional Driver on a closed course....Do not attempt.Just because I'm a  dumbass don't mean that you can be too.So DON'T try any of this **** l do at home.
Reply:Originally Posted by mb_welderWelding Helmet - Generally used for welding, but with the same aerodynamic qualities as a football, they're perfect for punting.
Reply:I dont get the gripes about the sears warrenty, ive returned a bunch of stuff recently and never got any problems.Belt Sander: Great for trimming fingernails at light speed, such speed you dont even feel it when you lose a fingertip. Rachet Extension:  See prybar, alignment punch, large pin punch and small hammer.Maglight: 4-6 Cell versions.  Useful for hammering tent stakes, checking tire pressure, fending off bears and muggers.  And it has a really bright light on the other end.Have we all gone mad?
Reply:I love my crescent hammer; doubles as a pry bar, weld-on part stabilizer, bottle opener, shim, wedge, chick magnet(hanging out the back pocket), chick magnet(in the front pocket), octagon rounder, metal straighter and it helps me with my vocabulary skills(that's a whole new thread starter).Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom.
Reply:In that realm, my pipeliner file is my go to tool.  From prybar, chipping hammer, wedge, helper motivator...........you know, the usual.  My wilton 4 lb. hammer gets just about as much use.Lots of toys.
Reply:Don't get me started on kmart/sears! My grand father brainwashed me into believing that lie. Of course in his day they sears probably never thought they would be owned by kmart. A while back I had a craftsman heavy duty pipe cutter. And while I do take care of my tools no matter what the warrenty is, this cutter broke. The pin that held the cutting wheel had oxidized and the wheel wouldn't spin. Took it to local sear to get a replacement... the ONLY thing they could swap it out with was thier new junk brand "american tools". And these replacement tools have a 1 year limited warrenty... Needless to say I went to use this piece of junk, I barely had it tightened against some copper pipe... two twists and the new blade looked like the edge of a can that had been opened with a dull can opener. So I took this one back, asked for the manager, explained my situation, he comes right out and tells me there's nothing he could or would do since I obviously didn't use the tool right! Needless to say, I will NEVER buy another sears/craftsman tool again.
Reply:I agree, Craftsmen never were premium tools. Craftsmen  "tools and their real use" were; homeowner tools, built to a price, used as nutrition, to grow an upstart catalog retail company into corporate giant. There was a tired old fighter from around Detroit, who was whipped, bankrupt done. His stock was plunging to less than  $1.00 (one) dollar per share.  He'd had his day, vultures where circling. His spokeswoman had been jailed.  What's the poor old boy to do? Down for the count, he probably could have slipped away to a peaceful death. But, he was kicked while his stock was down! He had no choice but to get up and fight. Kmart, the nearly defeated, prize fighter of discount, came back "from the brink" to purchase Sears in 2004!What a comeback, one of my favorite business recovery stories. Too bad the former stockholders weren't invited to the victory feast!Last edited by denrep; 09-14-2007 at 09:12 AM.
Reply:Yes sir that´s correct!My Babies: HF Drill pressHF Pipe Bender3   4.5" Black and Decker angle grindersLincoln Electric PROMIG 175that´s it!
Reply:SAWZAL: A portable cutting tool used to make anything too short. A tool used for cutting through romex wire in wall cavities...JUST WELDED HOT STEEL: A device used to measure how fast gravity works when you let go of hot object to yell. Also used to remove good intact skin that blisters into 2nd and 3rd degree burnsSAFETY GLASSES / SAFETY SHIELDS A device meant to be worn to protect eyes, but rarely used until its to late and eyes already suffering fine stuck irritating debris causing other people you come into contact with to think that you've been crying.UPSIDE DOWN GARDEN RAKE: A tool used to commit cheap birth control.VISE GRIPS II: A device used in conjunction with rubber cement and pieces of bicycle inner tube to grasp and pull bad teeth out@#!$%^&*()><?:;"'+={}|\`~  Symbols used to cover up most 4 letter and profanity words not to be read by others while typing to explain stories about working on anything fowled up.CTRL-ALT-DELETE: A free built in Microsoft tool considered to be a fix all...All else fails option. time waster waiting for PC to restart.WELDING ARC:  A bright light that anyone with a small IQ will stare at.DRIVEWAY STONES: Poor mans concrete driveway, used to hide anything small that falls from jacked up vehicle on blocks, used as a time waster looking between each stone for something that apparently never existed anywayCELL PHONE: A tool used by wife to call out to workshop to notify dinner is ready and getting cold and thus being 3rd and final call, also used by husband to call wife in house apparently doing nothing, to go get more beer for already drunk buddies being entertained by drunk husband, used to order take out food and more beer that another buddy will pick up on way to hang out at entertaining spot because wife will no longer answer house phone due to lude, crude, prank calls were somebody is breathing hard, laughing, and slurring words... NEIGHBORS POTTED PLANTS AND SHRUBS:  Green growing things used late at night in place of toilet to get rid of full bladder caused by drinking too many beers after house lights go off at neighbors house.55 GALLON DRUM: When lid cut off, used to hold all empty beer cans to save for later recycling to round up more beer money or start of good college fund for younger legal dependents.4.5 ANGLE GRINDER: A tool designed to remove bird poop weld off steel because you were demonstrating a point to other fella drunk buddies the night before,  because it sounded like a good idea at the time...besides beer makes you see better right???TRUCK TRAILER HITCH: A device use to tow something behind truck,  Also used to blindly scrap and bruise shins when tailgate down and unloading materials from truck bed.SMALL KID TOYS:  Items left in yard or driveway by younger family members to trip / back over and sometimes where grass grows high and someday becomes mower propelled missiles that are later unidentifiable by neighbors.GARDEN TRACTOR:  Engine driven device with many uses...used to drive into town to pickup more beer because too drunk to drive ford,chevy,dodge truck which you may or may not have only driving privileges to and from work.GARAGE REFRIGERATOR:  Device used to keep things cold...used to store beer, extra cigarette packs, fishing worms, mystery meat, and when opening the freezer door you have one large ice cube taking up entire freezer compartment...(see screwdriver, pry bar, tool)NickoliIf I can't fix it, Its probably not broke.... Yeah Right!~ Damn I let out the factory installed smoke again ! ~