My Tool Chest

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh @%$&!"ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing job.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity or removing extra fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh @$%&!"HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive part adjacent the object we are trying to hit.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Reply:I got a lot of damnit tools.  Most of 'em in factJust make sure ya don't throw 'em at something ya really care about"Any day above ground is a good day"http://www.farmersamm.com/
Reply:Torch....."Any day above ground is a good day"http://www.farmersamm.com/
Reply:They're all great!!!!"Any day above ground is a good day"http://www.farmersamm.com/
Reply:perfect. absolutely perfect http://kawispeed.com/ -moderator and tech deluxewww.myspace.com/trickortrack -cuz i have no life
Reply:most of my tools are a lot worser than dammit...since i started to weld and fabricate in my driveway my neighbors dont even talk to me anymore...think i offended em....
Reply:HAMMER:  aka DRIFT PRESS.  Used to cause fingers to swell.  Instant tool after contact with skin the cause the air to turn blue with the profanities mentioned.  FLAT WRENCHES:  have been heard to knock out operator when pulled on hard enough the wrench slips off head of bolt/nut.  No profanities till operator wakes up.Miller Econotwin HF with Weldcraft TIG
Reply:I bought a Stanley 3/8" drive ratchet that had a "rocker" lever to change directions.  Pretty neat, I thought.  Until the 2nd time it changed directions while tightening and skinned knuckles real good.  My "smoke wrench" made little pieces out of it so I could throw those little pieces out further in the woods.  Come to think of it, there's still a chain saw out there somewhere. Yeh, I know, could have taken it back,  more fun to torch it.Bought a Smith Corona basic word processor for doing envelopes a few years back.  Damn thing would not load envelopes right, kept catching them on something under the rubber roll.  Finally had the snots with that, yanked it out of the wall, took it outside and did a "war dance" on it.  Kids came home from school and asked "what are those letter keys laying all over the sidewalk".  Could have taken that back too, but damn, I felt better after my dance.
Reply:Originally Posted by paweldorCould have taken that back too, but damn, I felt better after my dance.
Reply:had a five foot wide window blind with skinny little ropes on one end to pull on to get it to go up and down. thing was always binding up, one end would go up while the other dropped down, pia..one time it got so messed up it came out of the brackets when i yanked on it, so i moved the couch and jumped up and down on it for at least thirty seconds..still  laugh when i picture the look on my wifes face as i jumped on it...