Shop tool humor

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This has been floating around the internet for a while but while I was going through old emails it cracked me up again.  I feel like I use all of these tools and their "uses" everyday at work...TOOL GUIDEDRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of theoutside edge.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out phillips screw heads.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Reply:A true laugh out loud.It got funnier as I recognized more and more of the consequences of using various tools.Thanks for the laughs.Miller Syncrowave 180SDLincoln WeldPak 100 with gasHandheld Milwaukee BandsawO/A Cutting Torch
Reply:Completely true. Thanks for the chuckle.Hobart Airforce 625 plasma cutter.Snapon MM140sl Mig/Tig welder
Reply:That was funnyBut don't forget the wire wheel is also good for making your shirt look like a pin cushionBacked my CATMA over your CARMA oops clusmy me  What would SATAN do ?? Miller Trailblazer 302 AirPakMiller Digital Elite  Optrel Welding HatArcair K4000Suitcase 12RC / 12 VSHypertherm PM-45Rage 3 sawRusty old Truck
Reply:True, oh so true.I offer three choices: Good, Fast, & Cheap. You may pick two.Hobart AC/DC StikMate LXHarbor Freight AD HoodHarbor Freight Industrial Chop SawDeVilbis 20 Gallon, 5 HP Compressor
Reply:Awsome, laughed my butt off!   Thanks  I hate being bi-polar it's awsomeMy Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys
Reply:I found this to be hilarious.   Good laugh.
Reply:OLD GREASY SHOP TOWEL: The only thing I could find to wipe the spittle off of my computer screen after laughing too hard.Ian TannerKawasaki KX450 and many other fine tools
Reply:Good stuff. All trueMiller Pro 300 SS w/ cat Miller Bobcat 250Miller Diversion 165 Miller 211Miller Xtreme 375Miller 12vsMiller Dynasty 200 DX Miller Passport Plus w/ Spool GunMiller 30a spoolmaticLincoln AC225 Buzz Box VictorMathey Dearman - H&M
Reply:The engine hoist always get a laugh out of me.IW Local 580 NY, NY
Reply:How about a little Welder Humour too?You might be a welder if......everyone is asking you, “Couldn’t you just buy that?”...you use a welding rod for chop sticks....you have sunburn in the winter....your shirts, sneakers, and socks are ventilated....you find yourself flicking your head down when the sun gets in your eyes....you keep feeling for a knob on the back of your hard hat or baseball cap....you squeeze your fork to release the food. ...your friends say, “It’s Miller time!” and you grab your gloves and shield....you lay z-weave ketchup beads on your eggs or french fries....you tie things down with MIG wire. ...you own a triple barrel shotgun. Not really as funny.  More just a chuckle.Miller Syncrowave 180SDLincoln WeldPak 100 with gasHandheld Milwaukee BandsawO/A Cutting Torch
Reply:”...you own a triple barrel shotgun.”   - and what comes out with the third barrel is a welding rod!
Reply:Welder humor:What do you call three welders in a ditch?Three Whiners
Reply:Originally Posted by BHereHow about a little Welder Humour too?You might be a welder if......you use a welding rod for chop sticks.Not really as funny.  More just a chuckle.
Reply:You might be a welder if....You always set off the metal detector at the airport (even after the strip search)
Reply:Well since we are having fun with the other classics I noticed that I have these posted in my garage.  I've laughed after several re-reads.Enjoy and smile when you weld - it makes the weld better :-)The 10 Welding Commandments.1. Thou shalt not weld on an unpurged tank, for the noise will be very loud when the tank explodes and thy friends will console thy widow in ways generally unacceptable to thee.2. Thou shalt secure thy tanks, lest one fall on thy foot and transform thee into less than a graceful dancer when called upon by thy wife or other female friend.3. Thou shalt clean thy work carefully, lest thy gaze upon thy work falling apart as it passeth out of thy sight.4. Thou shalt place thy work in jigs, or other holding fixtures, for the eye is a poor instrument for the measurement of angles and great will be the wrath of thy leader as thou art doing thy task a second time.5. Thou shalt not weld near batteries, compressed gasses, or flammable materials lest a spark from thy labors would cause thee to continue thy chosen profession in an open field or other such drafty place.6. Thou shalt take great care of thy tools and equipment, lest thy friend who is in charge of such things smites thee about thy head and shoulders for being a wastrel and a knave.7. Thou shalt not perform thy art without proper ventilation, for the smell of toxic gasses produced by the heating of primers, and plated or painted sufaces is worse than a bad cigar and will remain with thee until the end of thy days.8. Thou shalt not weld without goggles, nor shalt thou allow others to gaze upon thy labors, lest thy employment, or the employment of others be changed to sitting on cold and rainy streets while selling pencils.9. Thou shalt wear sturdy gloves, for burns upon thy hands are a source of great pain when thou art attempting to raise thy bowling average.10. Thou shalt ground thy work, when thou weldeth with a machine of arcs, for thou art a poor conductor of electricity and the shock which thou shalt receive shall ruin thy plans for thy weekend.Miller Syncrowave 180SDLincoln WeldPak 100 with gasHandheld Milwaukee BandsawO/A Cutting Torch
Reply:dkalleck: you are hard core and now with a slightly limited hydrogen level after eating with 7018 :-)Pachecoweld :good one about having metal splinters and slag stuck in you.Attached is the actual printout in my garage. Attached ImagesMiller Syncrowave 180SDLincoln WeldPak 100 with gasHandheld Milwaukee BandsawO/A Cutting Torch
Reply:Originally Posted by BHeredkalleck: you are hard core and now with a slightly limited hydrogen level after eating with 7018 :-)
Reply:these are great trailblazer 302 spoolmatic 25a with wc-24thermal arc 161s tig rigmillermatic 200dialarc 250 hf tig rig with spool gun and boxand wanting more......
Reply:The drill press in my old  shop loved to throw steel through the big window I had installed at the end of the room.  I replaced it several times.. I swear the press thoght it was soooo funny.I took the broken glass out with the SOB tools I kept handy.Lincoln Power MIG 215Lincoln WeldPak 3200HDLincon ProCut 25Lincoln WeldanPower 225 AC/DCIf all else fails... buy more tools
Reply:thanks for the laugh, very funny
Reply:Could we expand these "funnies pages" to include welding practical jokes?The kids here:http://www.neatorama.com/2012/05/18/...around-column/Welded a truck around a column. Attached ImagesMiller Syncrowave 180SDLincoln WeldPak 100 with gasHandheld Milwaukee BandsawO/A Cutting Torch
Reply:Could I further push the limits and move into all time classic funnies with:NASA Chicken TestAllegedly based on a true story...Scientists at NASA built a device to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, the space shuttle, etc. The idea being to simulate collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.British engineers heard about the device and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a device was sent to the British engineers.When device was fired, the British engineers were shocked... the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."Miller Syncrowave 180SDLincoln WeldPak 100 with gasHandheld Milwaukee BandsawO/A Cutting Torch
Reply:And my all time favourite funny story which I've never doubted as being a true confession:Home AloneI hate to admit it, but this happened to me way back in 1980--A few years after graduating from college, I returned to my folks' home to retrieve a considerable number of storage boxes that I had left with them. These boxes were filled with books, course notes, old homework projects, etc that I had kept. I decided to weed through them and eliminate as much junk as I could.Not having the heart to dump all that hard work into the garbage, I decided to grab a six-pack, settle down in front of the downstairs fire place and ceremoniously burn four years worth of college memorabilia. I managed to get through about five of the 15 or so boxes piled around me when I realized I could not possibly sort through each box page-by-page. In the interest of time, I decided to do a cursory scan of the contents to determine if anything 'jumped out' as worth saving. Well, box number six appeared to be loaded with Psychology and Logic 101 junk so I took the short cut and tossed the whole box on the funeral pyre before me.I popped open beer number four and watched the box smolder. Raising the can, I gave one last salute to those two unmemorable courses as the box erupted into a roaring inferno.The papers were consumed rapidly.So were the ancient contents of the dresser drawer that I had hastily dropped into the bottom of that box when packing two years earlier. Dang, I had forgotten all about that stuff. The toothbrush and hairbrush went up rather well.....also that packet of disposable plastic razors, dental floss and contact lens case and a bunch of junk I don't even remember. Of course, I didn't even know that stuff was going up in smoke as I sat there. Just chugged the beer and watched. It burned great...right down to that full can of deodorant that was in there with it all.I had gotten about half the beer down when that deodorant can finally decided it had had enough. What happened next I can only compare to the scene from "2001" where that Dave Bowman guy is falling through all those lights with that look on his face. I heard a BOOM so loud that my brain only registered it as a high-pitched squeal. The contents of the fireplace right down to the last ash were propelled out with such velocity that all I could see were a multitude of bright streaks emanating from a point about three feet in front of me (ala 2001). Big blue shock wave knocked me back. Spill the beer? You bet. Caught me off guard? He-- yes. Felt like I jumped on a live grenade? Guess so. One second I was watching that inferno burn from the outside, the next second I was watching it from the inside.The human brain reverts to 'primordial slime' mode when thrown into a situation like this. All higher-order functions vaporize. Guess it's all those endorphins and endomorphines hitting it at once. It took a couple of seconds to get the 'reasoning' capability of my brain back on-line. I jumped up, looked at my hands and feet, touched my face and realized that I was indeed intact. Holy Cow, I was completely untouched. Not even a soot mark on me. Although I might possibly qualify as a human cannon ball, there would be no Richard Pryor imitation tonight, folks.I looked through the thick smoke toward the fireplace. What WAS a 6-inch deep accumulation of one winter's ashes was now squeaky clean. Blasted it right out. All those burning embers were now sitting on the deep-pile carpet behind me. ALL over the room. I grabbed the little shovel from the fireplace set and scooped as fast as I could. As soon as I filled the shovel, I'd run to the fireplace, empty it and run back. Some embers were 30 feet down the hall. I guess I set the Guinness World Record for "Hot ember pickup with a little shovel" in those next few minutes. I did manage to avoid setting my folks' house on fire, and the carpet only had one or two real serious melted spots on it. I DID find the deodorant can too- it had left the fireplace at some ungodly serious velocity, hit the wall at the far end of the room and come to rest directly behind where I was sitting. Dang thing was split wide open along the weld and peeled back almost flat. Burned black, too. Looked like reentry junk.After I got the Fire Marshal Bill stuff under control, I grabbed beer number five, popped the top and thought about how I was gonna get the remaining mess cleaned up. Close examination revealed that everything was coated with a heavy layer of ash. Heck, a vacuum cleaner will get this stuff up no problem.Gee, how lucky could I be? I didn't get decapitated, the house is still on its foundation, I got a GREAT story for the grandkids and the cleanup is gonna be a cinch. I grabbed my mom's upright out of the closet and started to work.Ever have one of those split-seconds of consciousness when you realize you survived something really bad but you sense that it's not quite over yet? Well, I never have, but I wish I had felt that way at this point. Would have clued me in as to what was about to happen.There I was, sucking up ashes with an upright vacuum. Too bad not all of them were cold. That upright vacuum swallowed ONE LITTLE ITTY BITTY HOT EMBER that was sitting there on the carpet. It flew right up inside it and sat on that big ol' pile of carpet lint way up in that bag. Heck, that bag hadn't been emptied in a long time. And all that air rushing in there made that little bitty hot ember REAL happy. Next thing I know, the side of that vacuum is glowing red hot. By the time I figured out what was happening, there was a two foot flame blowing out a hole in the side. It really looked and sounded sorta pretty, like a fighter jet on full afterburner. Diamond shock pattern and all.Again, my brain reverted to primordial slime mode. All higher-order functions ceased and all I remember thinking was "T-h-r-o-w v-a-c-u-u-m".I pitched it as hard as I could towards the open basement door, hoping it would make it to the patio outside. The distance was about 20 feet. In slow-motion it looked like one of those old NASA films where the rocket goes psycho right off the launch pad. There it was, sailing brush end first with a nice slow roll...fire belching out the side. As the umbilical pulled out of the wall, the flame settled into a long trail of sparks. The vehicle had plenty of initial velocity and it looked like a good downrange trajectory........right up to the point it passed through the plate glass window to the right side of the door.Yep, I swear this happened as written.-- Thanks to IslandFlyrMiller Syncrowave 180SDLincoln WeldPak 100 with gasHandheld Milwaukee BandsawO/A Cutting Torch